I let things get out of control.  I just wanted a laugh.  Instead I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at the possibility of upsetting other people.  I hate this.  I hate how fragile I’ve become—how “too nice” I seem.  I would rather run myself over time and time again than hurt anyone. What’s so stupid is that I haven’t hurt anyone.  I know I haven’t.  But still, I continue to beat myself up about it over and over again, endlessly.  I just don’t know how to stop the cycle. It’s simple—the screwing up part.  My chances haven’t faltered any more than they would have days ago, no.  But I’ve changed.  In the blink of an eye, it’s over.  It’s over before it’s begun.  Why?  Because with that one rejection, that one playful moment of mocking for jokes, the wall that I’ve tried time and time again to remain open, to not build up—I don’t need protecting, I tell myself—there it goes again.  I don’t even have time to stop it.  It’s there and it’s so high that I can’t peer around it, over it.  I don’t know if I’m ever going to have the ability to take it down.  If I knew the solution, I wouldn’t be writing this. Until then, I’ve put up the barrier without even wanting to.  It’s done. It’s over before it’s begun. Maybe they’ll be others.  Maybe they’ll be the ones I still miss.